A few days ago, I was sitting on the couch with my husband talking about our day. I had just finished bathing our son and he was doing his usual post-bath ritual of running around our game room, butt naked. He’s prone to diaper rashes so I always try to give him some time to air out his little behind following a bath before I put a diaper on him.
After just a couple of minutes, I noticed an acorn laying beside where my son was playing with his toys. We do have an oak tree in the front of our house which likes to shed its acorns all over our yard. But I wasn’t sure how the acorn had managed to find its way upstairs until I went closer to inspect.
It wasn’t an acorn. It was my son’s shit. My son had literally pooped on our carpet.
It’s not the first time that he’s done so, although I pray to God that it will be the last. What shocked me more is how quietly and quickly it was done. Pooping for my son is a very loud occasion that usually spans at least 30 seconds of awkward grunting. He never has a problem with constipation; he’s just loud AF. It’s part of the reason that we don’t take him anywhere that requires certain level of somberness because he tends to poop at the most inopportune times.
Like this one.
And, unfortunately, it’s only one of several WTF moments I’ve had since becoming a mother. Some other ones include:
1. When you see how much poop such a tiny body can hold
I’m still not over this pooping on the carpet thing, if you can’t tell. As I’ve mentioned before, my son poops way more than what I feel is normal, even though his pediatrician insists that everything’s fine and has barred me from calling him on this subject again.
It does make more sense for James to be such a prolific pooper now; I’m sure he gets at least three times his recommended daily fiber content from all the fruit he eats. But when he was an infant and obtained his sole nourishment from being nursed, I had to wonder what it was about breastmilk that caused such damage to his diapers.
Also, in case you are wondering, the following list showcases all the places where my child has taken a shit in just his first six months of life:
His changing table
His car seat
My front car passenger seat
His kiddie pool
Our carpet (once during the first 6 months, see beginning of this post for more details on the second occasion)
2. When the hospital sends you home with your baby
Yes, I had my very first WTF moment on Day 3 of my son’s life.
Our hospital really let us walk out of here with this baby thing, armed with just a pamphlet and some well wishes. WTF.
I just thought there would be a lot more inquiry into our ability to be parents before we were left to our own devices. Seems a little neglectful to me…
3. When your child backtalks you before he learns how to actually talk
Okay, kid, so you can’t say mama or daddy, but when I feed you green beans for dinner, you start angrily dropping fast-paced baby gibberish that’s obviously designed to be argumentative? And I just stand there, clearly being disrespected, but unable to do anything because I have no idea what the hell you are saying. Not okay.
On that note…
4. When you lose an argument with your toddler
Once again, this child can not speak. I have a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, a Master’s degree in Conflict Management, and I’m a goddamn adult. How am I still losing arguments to a 2 year old whose vocabulary is limited to the word “no”?
5. When you calculate how many common, household items can kill your child
There’s the plug that my child wants to put into his wet, slobbery mouth and then stick straight back into the outlet. And over there is the brick fireplace hearth that my son nearly trips onto over 15 times a day. And I almost forgot about the apple juice that my child just spilled that’s he’s still going to slip and fall on even though surely he remembers spilling it not even 10 seconds ago, right?
6. When you realize how similar children and pets are
I’ll redirect you to the start of this post when I discovered my child’s poop on the carpet.
I also ask my son who’s a good boy about 10 times a day whenever he does something that pleases me. It seems to encourage him.
7. When your child discovers his genitalia
I just thought I had more time before that became a thing. Alas, that was not to be as my son discovered his penis during bath time at the tender age of 1 year old.
My husband took a very laissez-faire attitude towards the whole thing. I always thought I’d be the chill mom who would have a relaxed attitude to her children discovering their sexuality. But I also assumed that I’d have at least a decade to develop that chill and relaxed facade. Now I find myself muttering impatiently while I shove his hands away so I can change his diaper without interference.
8. When you take a good hard look at the nursery rhymes you are singing to your child
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down, sustained a traumatic brain injury, Jill went tumbling after and probably died.
Rock-a-bye baby – negligent parent leaves baby in a cradle in a tree, wind comes, breaks a bough, baby falls to the ground. Probably also dies.
Ring around the rosie – pretty sure this is about the Black Plague.
This shit is dark, man.
What are some other WTF moments you have had when it comes to your child?