Managing your finances following the birth of your children can be a bitch. Most people probably aren’t surprised to learn that there tends to be an inverse correlation between the amount of children you have and the disposable income you have left at the end of the month. But did you know that many parents also go through the five stages of grief following the loss of their cash coinciding with the birth of their money pits children?
Surely this can’t be right. I sit in shock as I anxiously and repeatedly refresh the website page, thinking that maybe the numbers will suddenly change. Someone must have stolen my credit card. I’ve never called 911 before in my life, but there’s never been a better time than now, there’s a thief on the loose!
Still, all those charges look oddly familiar. Too familiar. What kind of thief takes a credit card to spend $214.42 at buybuy BABY?
Well, Chase must be stealing from me. Even if those charges do belong to me, there’s no way that balance has been totaled up correctly. I’m on to Chase’s game. They don’t think that I will add up every single one of these charges to get my own total. But they don’t know who they are messing with and once I get the correct total balance I am going to go HAM on their asses-
Hmm, well, now that I’ve added everything up, it looks like the balance is correct and I really did spend that much money last month.
Was all that really me? This can’t be happening. Where did all my money go? I heard tales of other parents losing all their money after the birth of their children, but I just thought that was an old wives’ tale. A ghost story to scare the young and fertile.
Never did you think I would be another victim. This can’t be happening.
Why the fuck is daycare so expensive? My kid just tried to stick a quarter up his nose. So I feel that daycare is actually making him dumber. Is this all the value I receive from what is essentially a second mortgage? The daycare people are robbing me blind!
And what about the cost of formula and diapers… no one’s regulating these insane prices! Who is my congressman or senator? This is a national emergency and they are just sitting in Washington arguing over “healthcare” and “illegal immigration”.
Meanwhile, I am spending $35 weekly on diapers for my kid who shits 5-7 times a day.
I’m outraged, and you should be too.
Hey, God, it’s me. I know you and I haven’t talked in a while, but I’m really struggling here. Gerber baby food prices are going up and, well, it could really help me out if you would let me win the Powerball lottery. I know there are a lot of other people praying to you for the same thing, but they don’t need the money like I do! Do they have kids that they have to feed, house and clothe?
Oh, they do? Well, I need the money more than they do!
Lord, do you know that I’m expected to purchase professional photos for my child after they are born and every 6 months afterwards until I file for bankruptcy? How does that even make sense? We have cell phones now with built-in cameras! Yet I’ve gotta fork over $400 each time and pray that the photographer is adept enough at Photoshop to get rid of the drool that will be inevitably be coming from my son’s mouth in each picture?
Please help me. All I ask is for one winning lottery ticket.
As a backup prayer, I would also be okay with a lifetime supply of pizza bites. Gotta keep the kids fed.
I’m just going to lie here in bed and not go to work. What’s the point anymore? My last paycheck went to pay for my child’s surgery to get tubes implanted. And I’m not even sure why I paid for them knowing that we now have to watch what we say in front of our children since they can now actually hear us.
No more Sunday Fundays spent drinking mimosas all day at brunch. Now I’m forced to buy my own champagne and orange juice. And I’m running out of money so I gotta make cuts to the orange juice.
No more spur of the moment trips to California, or Florida, or Europe. The travel fund has now turned into an emergency fund for the next plumbing visit following my toddler inevitably throwing his Legos down the toilet again.
No more expensive and unnecessary Christmas/birthday gifts. Except for the kids. Because #parentlife.
I’ll always miss my money, but I know that it will always be a part of me.
In all the things I’ve already bought.
Until my son breaks them all.
And I have nothing left.